Worst Swill in the World
Lots of countries like to brag about having the best beer. But seriously, who has the worst? I don’t mean overall because, well, the Arab countries would win that by default. But of all the nations in the world, who has the worst swill? It’s not as easy an answer as you might think. Indeed, the breakup of the Soviet Union and the subsequent decline in Zhigulyovskoe has left the field wide open.
But we can start with the philosophical heirs to the USSR, their comrades in the Caribbean, Castro’s Cuba. Tourists at the resorts are sucking back Bucanero Fuerte. Now, as one of the world’s foremost connoisseurs of international swill I can tell you that’s not really a bad beer at all. But you see, that beer’s for the tourists. It costs $1 a can, and most Cubans make $16 a month. The math speaks for itself. Of course, they drink a rather unhealthy amount of moonshine aguardiente to stretch their booze pesos a little further, but such budgetary constraints are also made up with “people’s beer”. There are two tiers to this. The first tier includes decaying regional brands like Hatuey and Tinima, flat lagers full of diacetyl. But it gets worse. For about six cents a pour you get something that they call cerveza, and it’s a good thing they do because otherwise that swampy gruel would never be recognized as such. It comes in whatever container you provide, as an additional cost-cutting measure. There’s nothing quite like the taste of true Communism.
The second-cheapest beer on the planet goes for about fifteen cents a pour, and that’s bia hoi. Vietnam actually has a good beer culture, and bia hoi plays a big part in that. It’s fun, communal and convivial stuff. But let’s face it. Bia hoi is terrible beer. It’s watery and rancid, not worth a dong more than the 3000 they charge. And don’t even get me started on the tradition of pouring beer over ice. Yikes.
While we’re picking on overpopulated Asian countries, let’s send a shout out to India. Now, I hate Kingfisher as much as the next guy, but the real issue here is that half of this country’s swills are in fact malt liquors. Making crap is one thing, but making crap only to get people drunk and not even offering the pretension of quality is another. FFS, just stick to the imitation scotch already.
Staying in Asia, I have a special bonus prize for the most technologically advanced swill – Japan. Beer in Japan is taxed based on malt content, so the brewers there keep lowering the malt content in their beer in an effort to outswill each other. The latest – beer with maybe 50% malt and the rest made from highly treated pea proteins. It may or may not be the worst swill in the world – saving face is too important to risk exporting that stuff so I haven’t had any yet. But damned if they’re not trying to outsuck the rest of the world.
The USA gets in here for the sheer variety of swill. From “light” beer so light it makes bia hoi look like Saison Dupont to the invention of malt liquor to advertising that ties masculinity to drinking 4% abv yellow hopless seltzer water, the USA delivers all your swill needs.
Their neighbours to the north, however, do not. Canadian swill might be the most boring in the world, with uniform beers, boring labels and lame advertisements. But one area where Canadian swill is not boring is in the fantastic array of brewing flaws on display. Acetaldehyde, sulphur, higher alcohols…what a catastrophic waste of millions of dollars of high-end brewing equipment. But the biggest offense isn’t the quality, it’s the price. The major brands – some of the nastiest bile I’ve ever consumed – are priced at a premium. So total swill is literally $10-12 more per case than the nanny-state required minimum. Not $10-12 per case; $10-12 more per case. At least American crap is cheap; Canada’s swill prices are borderline criminal.
I think Harboe deserves a special mention in this column, regardless of whatever else the Danes might be doing these days.
And lastly, we have good old Deutschland. German beer is the best in the world…blah blah blah. Look, there’s a killer brewery in every dorf in Oberfranken. I understand that. But let me submit the following: Hefeweizen with orange juice added; pilsner with cola added; pilsner with cola and lemon added; weizen with cola added. This isn’t whacky stuff – the Germans drink millions of barrels of this garbage every year. It’s HUGE. These guys get their lederhosen in a knot because some guy wants to brew a witbier, but then they turn around and sell a hefeweizen mixed with Pepsi? I only wish I was joking.
24 Comments to “Worst Swill in the World”
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Did anyone forget to mention Turkey? Yes please…
Great article! There is, of course, some rancid swill in Africa not mentioned here…
FYI, according to the provincial law, the minimum price for 24 beers of 4.1% or less is 21$ CAD. The price goes up by 2-3 dollars if abv is higher than 4.1%. Nice article !
Source (in french) : http://www.formulaire.gouv.qc.ca/cgi/affiche_doc.cgi?dossier=2724&table=0
I forgot… these prices are for the Quebec province. I think it is a little more in Ontario.
Don’t be so hars on radlers. They are the perfect drink for a Sunday morning tasting line-up after a long weekend of drinking/rating. Perfect because you can drive home afterwards;-)
Sorry, but with reference to the remarks on Germany, this is a load of crap. Beers with fruit juice and lemonade added are a mainstay of soft drinks (or, rather, alcopops) all over the world (Belgium, anyone?). There is simply no case in attacking the Germans for it.
@ sound: Sorry, but you’re wrong. The Germans make and drink these beverages. The Belgians do not make these, nor does anybody else around the world. I’ve never seen a colaweizen outside Germany, never seen a hefeweizen with orange syrup in it outside of Germany, and Bitburger Cola Libre speaks for itself. Nobody else adds this stuff to beer. There is no beer in the alcopop of any other nation. And no other nation is hypocritical about its “beer purity” while allowing this foolishness. Sorry if some of your countrymen have hurt your sense of national pride by making and drinking this stuff, but it is a uniquely German phenomenon. Your problem is not with me, but with the facts.
Sorry, but there’s no difference between a cherry beer (popular in Belgium and France) and a German wheat beer with orange juice added. You’re the one who’s hypocritical. By the way, I’m a devotee of English beer. It’s just that you have your facts wrong.
So Cesu and A le Coq (and presumably the Lithuanian wing of Olvi) don’t make beershakes then?
A pretty solid rundown, I’d say. I still never ceases to amaze me how expensive beer is in Canada… I can pick up a six-pack of solid pale ale for 6 bucks here in NY, but the same beer in Nova Scotia (assuming they even had six-packs of good beer) would still run me 12-13. As to Germany, I’ll never forget the first time I had a conversation with a German coworker about beer and he kept asking me why nobody in Vancouver drank radlers or colabier. I hadn’t even heard of either of them at the time and after having had a few, I wish I’d maintained my ignorance.
You’re right. Aging a beer in oak barrels for three years with cherries and wild yeasts, then carefully blending to achieve a precise taste is totally the same as dumping orange flavouring into a hefeweizen.
And at no point have you refuted my contention that Germans make beer with cola flavour added.
Other countries besides India and America make malt liquor; other countries besides Canada overcharge for their beer. None of that refutes my points. If the Germans make and drink these products by the hundreds of thousands of barrels, they deserve to be called out on it.
If my facts are wrong, prove them wrong with facts of your own, not name-calling, whining, straw men and distractions.
What, no shout-outs to South American countries?
Rock Ice Limon from Costa Rica is in the bottom 3 beers I have ever tasted. It achieves sub-swill status in my books!
…and great article BTW! It makes me chuckle to think of your inspiration behind this article. After spending many weeks in Franconia Beer Heaven then moving on to a tour of Asia Beer Hell, you must need a bit of a creative catharsis to help get you through, LOL!
Wow, you’re a narrow-minded, intolerant little mouse. Of course it’s the same – those “kriek” and “extreme kriek” fruit beers, they’re no different than “Berliner Weisse” or “Banana Weizen” – I don’t like either, but your anal fixation on the German beer industry to criticize is just stupid.
sound67: You need to do some more research on those terms you are using.
“Kriek” spans a wide range of things, from authentic very sour kriek steeped for months in real cherries to sweet kriek made with cherry juice and sugar.
A “Berliner Weisse” in itself is a rather sour wheat beer. It is customary to drink it with added raspberry or woodruff syrup but in stores the beer is also sold unmixed by itself.
As a German, I fully agree with oakes’ assessment. We laugh at the Belgians for drinking sweet fruit beers while Cola-beers like “Mixery” are extremely popular here. Total hypocrisy.
Re: the argument between @sound67 and @oakes.
There is an indisputable difference between making a beer, then putting adjuncts like cola, tang, or kook-aid in it; and brewing a beer who’s process includes the addition of fruit.
The German “beers” in question, by virtue of the Reinheitsgebot, are NOT BEER. The German beverage is beer, with stuff put in it, thereby nullifying it’s status as “beer”. Lambics, Krieks, et al, are beers who’s brewing process allows the addition of fruit (an organic, raw, product unlike coca-fucking-cola) as an ingredient to be as essential to the brewing process as hops, barley, and yeast.
Putting cola in your beer is like putting ranch on your carrot sticks: you’re making the good stuff tolerable to the philistines by covering it in crap. These beers are a by-product of the modernization, consolidation, and corporatization of the beer industry. Cultural tastes aside, it’s disgusting really, and indicative of the lack of concern for quality and greed for profit that so many of these companies lust for. Then again, the Germans just might really need to get chicks and Jr. High Schoolers drunk.
On the other hand, folks have been brewing with fruit since beer was invented. Fruit ferments in the natural world and animals eat it to get drunk! For reals! I don’t see animals lapping up fermented high fructose corn syrup.
If you truly cannot see the difference between the two then it is you who are in fact narrow minded. Beer + cola = shit. Beer brewed with fruit = awesome.
The only anal fixation I’ve seen is one’s penchant for being a name caller. You need to lay off the ‘roids bro.
Great article Oakes. That was a fun read. I agree with Julienhuxley, though. I’m surprised that Turkey did not get a mention, considering the amount of time you recently spent there.
@Julienhuxley (yes please!) & Beerlando, I imagine he didn’t mention turkey because Efes and other Turk swill is no worse than the low-grade stuff from any other country. Lots of places have swills and Tequila beers too!
@ oakes: I’m pretty sure this is not just a German phenomenon. Poland has Karmi Malínowa Pasja which is sweetened with raspberry syrup, or a Belgian example, Früli Strawberry Beer. I might be wrong on the Früli, but I believe the strawberry juice and sugar are added after the beer is brewed.
Most of the Germans who drink this “Beer-Cola” crap are of the younger generation, or are not actual native Germans. Most (not all) of the older more traditional Germans still like a good pilsner or lager (usually served a little warmer then Americans like it). Anyway, it was a great observation and it appeared to stimulate a rather spirited debate.
Spain and Italy deserve mention here as well. Moretti, Estrella, Cruzcampo, Peroni, Mahou – all big market, and all nasty.
Shout out to you too, Argentina/Quilmes. German immigrants eh?
@Maverick: …and Moretti – Peroni are the “good” beers, try Dreher, Von wurster, Forst, and Splugen (don’t you just love the catchy german names)for a real swill rush…..although Moretti does save itself a bit with “La Rossa”
I forgot….when I was stationed in Egypt the swill called Stella was some pretty rancid mess.